Satisfactory by Nicolas Sansone

A woman walked into a bar and ordered the eels, so I got her some eels.

“They’re a touch eely,” she said.

“It’s in the nature of eels to be eely,” I responded. “An eel can’t change what is in its nature.”

“Oh,” she said, “I know. I’m well aware. I don’t mean to be a bitch. But, if it’s all the same, I’ll have the sticks instead.”

So I got her some sticks.

“They’re awfully dry,” she said, “don’t you think?”

I hadn’t tried them, so I snuck a taste and in all honesty couldn’t palate sticks.

“Yuck,” I said, and she smiled at my judgment.

“Well,” she said, and looked at the menu. “I’ll try the ammo, then.”

So I got her some ammo.

“This ammo,” she said, “is underdone.”

“Yes,” I said. “It’s hazardous to overcook the bullets. Can be.”

But she was not thrilled with this explanation.

“Do I pay you to monitor world safety?” she asked. “Or do I pay you to bring me what I ask for?”

So I brought the ammo back to the kitchen and had the chef put it back on the grill. He got shot seven times in the arms and in the face. I brought the ammo to the woman, who did not find it satisfactory.

“The casings,” she said, “are singed.” And they were.

“Ma’am,” I said, “in this life, we cannot have it both ways.”

She sobbed while I tended to her.

“Jesus,” she said, “I do not think that you could say anything more true.”

I tried to stop her tears by telling her more truths. But by the end of happy hour, I had run out of things that were true and had to tell her lies. Ultimately, she seemed to find this acceptable.

Nick Sansone is a student in the MFA Program at the University of Massachusetts-Amherst and the author of one novel, Shooting Angels. His short fiction has appeared in a number of journals, including PANK, Pear Noir!, NANO Fiction, Bartleby Snopes, Takahe, and Denver Syntax.